AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF FELICIA MCCAW

The Story Of My Life As It Stands From
Yesterday to Today

Autobiography of
Felicia McCaw

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal

The Story Of My Life As It Stands From Yesterday to Today

Autobiography of Felicia McCaw

Hello, my name is Felicia McCaw and I was born June 29, 1963, and am of African-American descent and was raised by strict parents in the City of Saginaw, Michigan and ate soul food and listened to all the great oldies, blues, jazz, pop, rock, classical music and watched many episodes of Soul Train. Everyone in our house assumed the appropriate roles of male and female and the theory of ethnicity affected none adversely when decisions were made by either parent or had any true affect when interacting with significant amounts of people. My thought was as it is now we all deserve respect. All features of a life as an African-American holds and retains ethnicity which help reflect differences among the races.

I am the seventh child of nine and I have a set of twin sisters who are six years younger than me. I feel that I was a rather precocious infant per my mom who said I was so quiet that nobody knew I was in the house. Probably my tendency to be a skeptic came from my being tossed out of the attention line when the twin was born.

I was nearly seven when they arrived and I didn’t know what they were all I knew is that they were small and cried a lot and needed changing a lot and ate like two small little horses. I kept looking at them each day and wondered why I ceased to exist isn’t that special one moment I was the biggest star in the sky and then I became a little sparkle who didn’t get that special babying that I was used to. Even though I gave a tantrum it did no good all I got for my efforts was a swat on the butt and was told that I was not the baby anymore and that I was to start doing chores and I thought to myself chores what the heck is that. I was rather a

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 2

strange little child who would tell mom and dad that I didn’t like a certain person and would say to them he is trying to cheat you out of your money. If I wasn’t doing that I would be somewhere listening to them talk and go tell mom whatever I heard and learned what a no-good so and so was and was there watching when they told them not to come back to our house. Being so young I didn’t get all the particulars and some of the memories seem faint but I was always right and they would tell me to be quiet and my parents would go into their bedroom and say I am glad we didn’t give them our money.

I started kindergarten at Morley Elementary School here in Saginaw, Michigan and was able to read and could speak more than I should because I was quite garrulous and kept asking incessant questions all the time. I remember that we were told to take out our sleeping bag and take a nap for a certain period of time but I believe it was to shut me up and some of the other children in kindergarten. It was really quaint and charming and even today they still have the small cupboards that we could open and get our own sleeping bag out of the cubicle with our names on it. I learned everything they gave us to learn and the 1st grade, 2nd grade, 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade went past with no real issues but I can still remember the contests that we used to have to see who could get the most stars for answering questions correctly and the spelling quizzes and competitions for math.

In the sixth grade, I became quote on quote a woman if you know what I mean (not figuratively speaking of course) and didn’t know what the hell was going on with my body and suffered a memorable humiliation at school where I thought I was dying and was sitting in a corner with my hands around my knees. I was teased about this for a long time and it just seems like a faded memory but I feel for all young women when this rite of passage comes to them like a horrendous nightmare a young woman has to suffer month after horrid month.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 3

I remember during this same year we had a session for awards for having good grades and I was trying to play dress up and wore a white dress that I squeezed in and to my shock and dismay my name was not called. I ran home crying to my mom I had done all my schoolwork and was one of the students with the best grades and was overlooked. My mom went to school and discussed the situation with my teacher and I received my certificate for my grades, attendance and everything else that I was entitled to.

In my seventh grade of schooling, I went to Central Junior High School and was a little overwhelmed when I got there. It was a bigger school with lots and lots of students and nearly everyone was taller than me. I met two sets of twins at Central and was rather fascinated with them both of them was of light complexion and I used to wonder if anyone could tell them apart. I remember I got the most memorable message from my mom when I was in the seventh grade and I had transitions problems and brought home a bad grade report for one of the quarters that we were graded on. I showed my mom my report card and she told me that she would give me a whipping if I did not get my grades up. Being a reasonable person who hears the first time I promptly got on the honor roll and stayed on. Because of her being firm with me and probably knowing that I was shy this helped me step past this and get the grades that I needed and which I am forever thankful that she took a firm hand with me. After getting my grades up, I became what they call a “teacher’s pet” and was allowed to grade papers for one or two of my teachers and because I was rather a little distant then and just wanted to make it through school without incidents or fighting I never spoke too much. During my time at Central from the seventh grade throughout to the ninth grade I had access to the library and if anyone wanted to know where I was they could find me sitting on the steps leading to the next floor reading and reading and absorbing everything I got my hands on.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 4

One of my teachers used to give me books to read that she had read and I was just tickled pink because I would read a book an evening and come back looking for more and one day I came to see her and she told me she didn’t have any more books and I began to do odd jobs to support my reading habit. I met one guy during that time who is still in business today as “Lanny’s Book Store or Thrift Store” and began to trade books and purchase because I was just eating up everything I could get my hands on. It was not just romances it included everything from science fiction to anything he had in his store. These moments were some of the best times of my life and it helped forge me into what I am because I feel that a book is a treasure and a ticket to other places and other lives and I could transport myself to anywhere in the world by reading.

My next stop in life was my going to Saginaw High School and to my shock it was just huge to someone of short stature as myself and I got twisted around and around but to someone young it just seems like I would never learn my way around this school. Primarily, I did not participate in sports for the first two years but just studied when I could between chores and keeping an eye on my younger sisters and received an award for being on the merit roll and saw someone that I got a crush on and everybody knew them …they were both on the football team and I just thought both of them were beautiful because they were twins and the best looking guys in school. I believe they were the only guys that I really focused on because all the rest seem like faded memories except for this guy that came from Toledo, Ohio and kind of just turned the school out and his brother. I don’t know if his brother went to Saginaw High but I knew the

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 5

moment that I saw him that he had to be his brother both him and his brother were so cute and when I saw him I missed a step and slid down the stairs about two to three steps. I was so shocked into a stupor that I just hurriedly got up because I was wearing a dress and hurried away (I think I only saw him once and because everyone had found out about it and laughed at me I just focused on the doorways to my next class). Being young is interesting because I am sure that I am still not impervious to this kind of behavior because even now I just laugh with a little amusement because I have been there and felt my face heat up and because he just smiled and didn’t make fun of me I can still see his smile. Just think this is my senior year and everyone was abuzz with this gossip and I just learned to tune them out and focus on graduating.

Senior year and counting. What do I want to do for the rest of my life that was the question and one I thought I had the answer to. My big thought was data processing for the rest of my life and during this year I tried my best to be allowed to go Career Opportunities Center (COC) because this would be ideal and I would receive free training and be able to get a job out of school. Unfortunately, my counselor would not allow me to go so I missed out on a perfect opportunity to see if I was compatible with such an endeavor.

I went to Saginaw Valley State College when I was eighteen but found that I was not ready and hung out and skipped classes and didn’t study, didn’t know survival skills and got expelled for not maintaining my grades. My mom told everybody, everybody, everybody and I became more ashamed, ashamed, and more ashamed. Every time, I heard this I resolved myself to going back and try to prove that I could make it and that I am college material if I had to kill myself making it. I refused to give up and talked to the guy handling admissions that I felt that I could do better and get my grades up and progress forward. At this point, I felt that I didn’t fit in until I could accomplish my goal and felt that I was able to compete with other students.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 6

I did do better but I felt strained, worried and switched and left to attend Opportunities Industrialization Center (OIC) where we had to do an intake to place in appropriate classes until up to 12th grade level when tested to evaluate status. After I was up to the appropriate level, I was allowed to take up a trade and the one I chose was in the clerical field. I was placed in the first category and we were assigned tasks to be done as far as shorthand, typing of clerical documents and charts and timed as to how well the information taught was assimilated. I finally got my speed up which enabled me to be allowed into the second category in the clerical field and I stayed until I got my first job as a student clerk-typist and received several pay adjustments while I was going to Saginaw Valley State College and then Delta College because finishing meant a lot to me. After being employed for over three and half years, I was offered a job with the City of Saginaw and stayed there for almost 17 years and retired from there and started going back to school in 2010 after struggling with a disability.

My first day at the City of Saginaw in the Assessor’s Office was like a jump into cold water and as a young adult it was always prevalent in my mind that I was on my own and it was my duty to do and keep this job because I remember my dad kept telling me over, over, over and over to get a job and get some time on it. I remember the young lady (Her name is Marge and she was in her early seventies) and she was authoritarian and a little bossy but nice and totally stressed out from this job that I had claimed as my own. She trained me for two to three weeks and left because she started to get stressed out and I later learned that she had collapsed at this job and this was kept in my uppermost thoughts when all the work came at me like landslides

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 7

and that I didn’t want to leave like her. One thing I learned about her was that she was a photographer and HER ART AWED ME and I was just overwhelmed by the sheer beauty and power in her slides and told her she was good enough to be a professional and I wished that I could achieve something as beautiful as what she was able to capture. Because I was so busy and the workload was enough to kill three people I never took a break for over ten years…I worked overtime …anything to make sure we made the deadline and a few times past 11:00 p.m. with the Board of Review going on and people protesting their state equalized values and the effect on their taxes. This became my favorite time of year because I could work uninterrupted and got almost twice as work done without the constant interruptions and it was quiet and I always felt safe with the building shut down with just the maintenance crew working. Every day, I came in started out with evaluating where I was and how soon my deadline was and my immediate plans for getting there. My job was pretty much self-directed which was something I appreciated and approached it as if it was my last lunch on earth.

One year when I first started we had over 600 people come in appealing their assessment and I thought the only time we had that many was when my second boss took the position as supervisor. It was just so busy and I was younger and more energetic and I just didn’t realize that many people had come in and just assumed that this circumstance had happened with my second boss only. It just pays to check the minute’s book and I realized or wondered who the heck was I. I must have took on the persona of superwoman because to this day I just don’t have the stamina that I had then and I wouldn’t wish all that work on anybody. The most incredible thing in my mind when I took this job was that I went back to cave times because I only had a CRT, typewriter, pencils, pens and an electric eraser to get all this work done and one day my typewriter went dead during the Board of Review and I brought in my own to keep up with the work load and pace.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 8

As time progressed some of my troubles eased but I contracted high blood pressure from the stress of this job and didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew that I was dizzy and had difficulty walking and holding my balance. I went to the nearest doctor that was down the
street from my job and was told that this was what I had to deal with for the rest of my life and because this job was so stressful I began to petition my way out and try to get an easier job with less stress. Unfortunately, everything went pretty much by seniority and I never got a chance to get placed anywhere else but had to hang in where I was and that is what I did and kept myself busy trying to stay stress free.

I began to do the flea market because an old friend of the family had gotten hurt when he fell on some ice and that is how I started working at the flea market trying to help him because he had a broken kneecap and was in his eighties and still working. Our family had known him for over thirty years or more and he lived in Detroit and each weekend I would drive down and help him with his customers and since I was coming I started bringing a little stuff to sell to help pay for the gas to come down and help him. What I found out was that it was rather relaxing and helped me come out of my shyness and start talking to people and just chattering and getting to know them because it was a mixed nationality coming through and the clients at the flea market were mostly men looking for tools and this is what he sold and I would run to his vehicle and ask him the price and make the sale. I guess you could say that I became his apprentice and HE taught me all he knew and I learned how to make an extra dollar from him.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 9

I began to like getting away from home and just rolling around in my car and just enjoying myself either shopping, going to auctions and just getting around and seeing how
different we all are and just accept this as a learning process in my life. Unfortunately one day, our family friend had a massive heart attack which killed him on the spot and it just left a pall on working at the flea market…it was just never the same…I would look for him and he was never going to be there again.

Anyway, it was rather a sad point in my life because he used to recount stories of when he first came to Michigan and how cold it was and I could only look at him and marvel because he did not have any formal education but could play poker with the best of them and could count money and you couldn’t cheat him and he used to run his own business demolishing brick buildings and selling bricks and god knows what else. He was really a marvel and he reminds me of the old gentleman that used to come in and work part-time in the Assessor’s Office and he too would recount stories that I would listen avidly to and I would wonder how I could have gotten along in those days and how different it is now then what it was back then.

I would do the flea market sporadically and when I found a good deal I would buy anything that I thought I could make a profit off and back then the opportunity was better but now in my opinion the market has rather fallen off. But I figure they should keep trying even though I have given it up someone will come and buy something once they find out all the good deals they have and how much money they can save. I used to work primarily with men and this could be either a blessing or a pain in the ass because of the lack of respect that you get around them is just something that a person could just shout for joy that they have to associate with people that are not the most respectful of types but still I retained my respect for them but did not get any from the majority of those I worked with or associated with them as my customer.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 10

One of the main reasons why I like this turning point in my life was because there was not a public toilet just a Johnny on the Spot and it was clean some times and deplorable the next. It was the most unappetizing repugnant sight when I went down to Detroit a couple of times to the flea market to catch up my car note and I am glad it is paid off now because I would just absolutely not go because I know that I am not the most patient of persons now and do not wish to deal with an atrocious contraption for bodily waste that surely is a sublime death trap for all who enter. I refused to use it and held it all damn day because I knew that I was surely a goner for sure if I attempted to use it and I believe the guy that was a vendor probably died from using it because he died shortly after he went into that Johnny on the Spot.

I remember someone told me he had passed and I just never let my personal thought surface what his probable demise was from. Since my sense of humor is a little twisted I always tell people to please forgive me because I had been clashing with just about every man that came to that flea market with them trying to assert their manhood and show that they are the only one with testosterone and trying to be territorial when I was one of the first ones that started coming there. All these guys that started setting up was new there and I wouldn’t trust them anywhere because they started stealing from the other vendors and some of the customers were trailed home and came back to the flea market hollering and wanting to fight looking for their property because of a tip they got that their property was at the flea market.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 11

I was glad when I left and discontinued going there because they were always acting inappropriately and it just became a bad scene to be at and I was through working there and didn’t want anything else to do with the people who worked there and felt it was time for a new scene. It just became unbearably boring and if I was not making money then it was not going to be me driving there and working and wasting my time and making nothing. I was grateful when I made some money but it is not where I want to be tied up into and have to just sit there all day waiting for a customer to come and buy something. That established to me a turning point in my life.

The next thing I tried was being an engaging entrepreneur and went into the hair weave business and selling what I could on a freelance basis only because I didn’t want to get tied down in one spot and especially where there is not even a decent toilet and where the rudest excuses for men was my working compadres (good old loyal good guys) and was just a thrill a minute to be around especially if they accused you of making more money than them. How special is that thought was all I could think of each day or time I went and set up at this flea market and came home with s. (little of nothing).

I was able to parley some of my insurance money and invest it and came out with not what I expected because someone stole a lot of my merchandise before I could sell anything and hit me again and I just gave away a lot of it to the Salvation Army because I knew someone had gotten into my house and stole a lot of hair weave and personal belongings and I just refused to continue when someone here had ruined my little investment and what little I made went down to s. (little of nothing) again.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 12

So here I am a humble person trying to make it in my life and I have phased out working at the flea market as one of the unwanted jobs that anybody like me would want now because I have changed so much in a relatively short time that the thought of having to work at a flea market makes my skin crawl and makes me walk faster and say thank you but no thank you…I have had enough and concede defeat because it is too distracting when all is on my mind is trying to ensure that there is a way for me to survive if the Social Security System crashes and as a disabled person on her own I must try to ensure that there is some way for me to live and
survive. I am enjoying my classes and some of the projects are rather awesome and daunting but I hope that I am up to it. Because this is still a new venture this experience in the world reflects who I am and has forged me and molded me into the person I am…what I see in the mirror is an older, wiser, not quite patient person who still has inner laughter, to watch young people as well as older people try to make an indentation in my life and mock it. I would like them to try to emulate the amount of work that I have done. I consider that a challenge issued and know it will never happen. I know who I am and not being a quote or quote “loser” is the game I let others play. I have always felt that people with massive insecurity take a lot of time to try to destroy somebody else.

I believe in God the father and that he will come amongst and fight all that are against me when I feel overcome and this faith is what keeps me going. I started going back to college at Delta and retook up my studies after a lengthy hiatus and enjoyed every class except for one. My favorite class was the Business Law II and as a rather analytical person it appealed to me as a person of logic and reasoning who likes to see everything for herself as a proven fact before accusing anyone without anything to base it upon. I am at Saginaw Valley State University now

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 13

and previously between times of my surgery and recovery I took some classes at Strayer University starting the winter semester of 2012 to continue my education and further correlate my thoughts in a more structured fashion. I am a bit of a recluse and I have my days when I feel social when I am not busy. I am pushing forward to get a bachelor degree in Criminal Justice and a degree in Social Work and other interests of mine. I expect I will travel soon and see some sights because I never took a vacation during my time of employment. I expect to fulfill all my obligations if I can and learn all I can. Because I am an airborne sign I feel the need to get away from a stifling atmosphere and just sight see and leave all the problematic people behind with their narrow perceptions.

My values incorporate and interlock the values that I wrote as a future social worker and that it is an extreme and demanding and caring endeavor. As a working professional this area
of social work correlates to my own interest and care for people and helps me monitor my input as a caring citizen and as a criminal justice student this allows me to know the rules of legality and help me to conform to the true writ of legalness. Both fields are progressively changing and evolving to accommodate the varying interaction of diverse cultures in today’s society. Further, my values and social worker values are similar and that is why I am able to find a rapport with the at-risk population and intermingle my experience as a person who has progressively sought ways to help those in need and find ways to assist and focus them in the right direction.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 14

My ability to assist troubled and victimized people is one of my highlights and a blessing to all who are helped by either myself and of each social worker whose life is based upon being empathetic and proceed on a non-ending mission to right some of the wrongs in a person’s life. My goal is to train others and be able to put myself in other’s shoes and work and strive toward helping people or clients if they need my assistance. As a fellow human being it is my responsibility to help keep the dignity, meaningfulness, self-respect, personal fulfillment that every person is entitled to. Becoming the champion of the hurt, needy, victimized, vulnerable and oppressed is a not a job that is rewarded all the time but it makes anyone feel good to say that I am here and will try to help you if I can or if I am allowed. I used to want to be in the shadows and hide my assistance but now I am evolving and I wish to be one of the voices to help them be heard and protected. I realize there are so many oppressed, at-risk and disempowered populace in distress and the value of them as a people is of utmost importance and it is necessary to not be prejudicial, discriminatory and not be selfish but giving during the quest or venture to right a wrong and continue on a mission to enhance human well-being and help meet the basic, necessary human needs of all people.

My goal is to continue on this path to study, observe and try to determine what might help this human race realize the need of diverse cultures to co-exist in cooperative efforts actively and fulfill the needs of people in need and in trouble. I remember in one of my psychology classes the teacher wanted the entire class to view ourselves objectively and describe self and I can describe myself as this or my image of myself as I am a female of medium build or frame. Who has the capacity of becoming overly muscular if I lift weights. When I see myself without clothing, I see a lot of work that needs to be done…tighten the flab on my arms, lose the gut, slim and tone the thighs, get rid of the stretch marks and get killer abs so I can get my navel pierced.

Felicia McCaw
SW 320
Human Behavior
Soc Environ I
Journal
Page 15

Sometimes I wish my head shape was different, my lips smaller and maybe have straight hair because I don’t like to comb my hair and hair styling is not my forte, fine strong white teeth needed and perfect sight is on my list of desires. Further, I wish for smaller breasts, a slim and shapely waist, more height and bigger feet and a bigger or rounder apple butt. Unfortunately, compared to others of my race the butt area is not happening, but I work with what God gave me and thank God I don’t look worse. I accept myself as I am except for the teeth that need fixing badly. I am glad I am not in worse shape and I appreciate my body because it has had to do a lot of work in my time. I am trying to harness and strengthen not just the physical but the mental part of me and praise and thank god for keeping me in my right mind and on my stance and enable me to help others and by my taking these classes this allows me to look at myself objectively and see not my flaws but allow me to harness that which lays below the willingness to help any if I can and let those alone who cannot be helped.

The end of summary of life which continues undaunted and unstopped.

By Felicia McCaw